The stages of deployment emotions as defined by Michigan State University:
- Anticipation of Departure
- Detachment and Withdrawal
- Emotional Disorganization
- Recovery and Stabilization
- Anticipation of Return
- Return Adjustment and Renegotiation
- Reintegration and Stabilization
The whole deployment is a tornadic event in general, but each “stage” of deployment generally comes with it’s own set of very distinct emotions.
In the first stage of Anticipation of Departure, I was wholeheartedly and enthusiastically in denial. I didn’t even allow myself to think about it. Then one day my husband got out his pack and started getting it all ready to go. There was military gear EVERYWHERE. I think 3/4 of the living room was buried. It was pretty amazing watching him shove all that into one extremely heavy back pack. That put reality on the doorstep.
The next stage is reportedly Detachment and Withdrawal. I mindfully skipped this step entirely. This is not easy. Usually this is where couples bicker and attempt to emotionally detach to make it feel a little easier when the spouse leaves (spoiler: it doesn’t help). The leaving hurts so it’s pretty natural to want to protect oneself from it. I embraced it. We did this exercise in a marriage retreat one time where we had to think of our spouse as gone, dead gone. Honestly, it’s morbid but I kept that in mind: he might legit die out there. What this brought into focus for me was surprisingly not the anxiety and panic of that thought, but instead to remember that these moments are fleeting. Let’s make the best of them because we may not get tomorrow. Don’t think I am super woman though, I cried in the shower every chance I got.
Emotional Disorganization. Welcome to overwhelmed land! Where your hair is on fire, your kids hate you, and you never sleep! Routines? All out the window. It’s all you now. Good luck!
This was actually where I started thriving. After a few weeks of “OMG THIS IS GOING TO LAST FOOOOOORRRRREEEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEERRR!” I started really feeling like okay, okay, I can use this chaos and create a new order for us. In fact I recognized quickly that I needed this time to prove to myself that I can do this, survive and thrive. “Single Wife” is I’ve heard used, and that’s accurate. You still have a husband, a partner, but he is so far removed from the situation that he relies on you to make the decisions. That can feel both overwhelming and for me, incredibly empowering.
The next stage is Recovery and Stabilization. I made it here pretty quickly. A very good friend and neighbor linked arms with me because her husband was also deployed. We built a solid base with each other and took our kids to the park A LOT together. I think having that local support system is crucial to feeling some semblance of stability. She also kept me from wallowing in the house in self pity. She just wouldn’t let me. One time, I fell asleep on the couch and didn’t answer her text back when she asked me to go walk around the neighborhood with her. Yall, she showed up at my door anyway. We need these people in our lives. I know I do.
I also was finally able to really see what I can do on my own. I’ve never in my adult life lived alone. Making all the daily microdecisions was a bit overwhelming at first, but suddenly I realized it was SO COOL! I mean, I could on a whim pack up the kids and drive to McDonalds for an ice-cream cone at 7pm at night and not have to ask a single person what they thought about that. (For the record, I only did that once and it was a disaster because bedtime is at 730, and driving ANYWHERE from my house is at least half an hour there. With great power comes great responsibility.)
The time in this stage literally flew by for the kids and I. We stayed busy. If someone asked me to go do something I rarely said no, even when I really really really really wanted to. I tried new things, I retried old things, I had the kids try new things. Charlie rode horses. Oliver started karate, I started college. Having a support system and having places to be make a huge difference. I will admit I think I may have stretched myself thin at times. But we made it through.
Welcome to the Anticipation Stage. Where I am currently. It’s emotional hell. One minute I am so excited I’m practically bouncing off of the walls. The next I am flipping out because I haven’t cleaned the baseboards yet, and the lawn needs mowed. The anticipation of him coming home is eating me alive. I’m nervous. What if I fall back into some of the limiting beliefs I had before the deployment? Like about being the perfect housekeeper? I’m not even close. I hate laundry with a fiery passion-hence why I’m trying to survive it every day. Cleaning is the least of my priorities. Yet, while he’s been gone it’s been easier to keep the house clean. Why? Pressure I put onto myself. I have this rampant perfectionism problem where if I don’t feel like I can do something perfectly the very first time, I wont do it. I also project that craziness onto my husband. I will assume he thinks that I totally suck too if I don’t do it perfectly, that he’s judging me. I want to keep this new sense of non pressure cleaning and self judgment free decision making.
There is also the excitement of getting to know each other again. We’ve both gone through vastly different experiences over the last six months and have both grown. Getting to date in marriage again like that is both refreshingly awesome and a bit terrifying. What if I forgot how to kiss while he was gone and it’s awkward?! What if he decided he doesn’t like my cooking because he had awesome chow hall food?! Not kidding-he had good food. It really is this sort of strange dating awkwardness all over again, with some high pressure. This is where I take what we call “Cookie Breaths” (Breathe in through your nose and smell the cookie. But it’s still hot so now slowly blow it off) and remember he will like my cooking just fine. Or he will just not eat and thats totes fine. He’s also been working out like crazy. I had great intentions, but after about 4 months of me or the kids constantly being sick, I let serious exercise take a back seat. I did lose a few pounds since he left, but he gained a stinking 300 style set of abs. I take another cookie breath and remember he’s going to like me just the way I am.
The sixth stage is Return Adjustment and Renegotiation. Homecoming! This was a hard one for me to look up since there are always these insanely adorable and completely heart melting homecoming pictures and videos everywhere. This is another overwhelming stage. Our first deployment homecoming didn’t even feel real. I felt like it was a crazy strange dream that I was going to wake up from and still be 4 weeks away from in real life. The days following homecoming typically are a little honeymoon-ish. Everyone is so excited and typically routines are thrown out the window in favor of snuggles and fun. Resentment can be normal. Sometimes it feels like we have been the bad guy forever by enforcing the rules, losing it on those short tempered days, and dealing with the day to day details. But Dad comes home and he is FUN! Remember, emotions aren’t good or bad, they just are. It’s the actions that are positive or negative. So, instead of slowly letting the resentment and anger build until we explode, talk openly about it.
My husband is also nervous for this stage. He’s a little stressed about feeling like an outsider when he gets home. Seeing that time hasn’t stood still for the deployed spouse can also hurt feelings. The important thing for us and for a smooth transition (or as smooth as any major change can be) is communication. The kids and I have also put together “systems” or routines that we can easily fall back on because we hung them all over the house. When the kids and I made them, we made them with daddy in mind. So when it’s “bath time” I tell Charlie how great it will be when Daddy can do this with her too. When it’s “out loud reading time” I mention that Daddy would LOVE to read his favorite books out loud too. Including him in our routine now will only make it easier for him, the kids, and me to slide him in to things that I have been doing for months. Helping him not feel like an outsider, helping the kids feel that even though it’s Dad it’s still consistent, and helping me not feel like the kids want Dad now over me because I wasn’t fun or something. It wont be perfect, but just by having some open communication and a loose plan will help everyone.
Finally, back to stabilization again. MSU says this stage generally starts about 6 months after they have been home. Once everyone settles down from the initial overwhelm of how much everyone has changed, and we start really getting to know each other again homeostasis can begin.
HA! Who are we kidding here?! We have moving orders for October for Japan. There is very little homeostasis in the military world. Ever. So I think MSU should just leave this stage out because I don’t think we have had more than 6 months at a time of regular old homeostatic type life. There’s always something new happening, always new trials and tribulations and exciting adventures to have. But we do survive. We adapt. And we overcome. Semper Gumby.
